Taking a leak – or, worse still, a number two – in porcelain that’s not your own can be a traumatic experience and even the most cultivated of us have rested our cheeks on a feral lid at some point, albeit generally with a protective layer of dunny roll in between. I’ve taken the liberty of compiling some shockers, both from personal experience and snitched from that of other people’s. And yes, China, you do get a rather disproportionate mention.

10. Somewhere, Scotland

It’s hardly surprising that Scotland was going to figure in here somewhere. Why? Haggis, that’s why. What goes in looking and tasting suspiciously like fecal matter is hardly likely to come out pretty. Behold: the worst toilet in Scotland.

This is from the aptly named No Shitting in the Toilet by Peter Moore:

No Shitting in the Toilet is named after a sign I saw on the door of the toilet at Jack’s Café in Dali, Yunnan Province, in China. It was a crude, handpainted representation of one of those ubiquitous ‘forbidding signs’ – you know, the circle with a slash through it and a picture of the forbidden action or item in the middle. But instead of a camera or a dog or an icecream, this sign featured a little man squatting. Although you couldn’t see the strain on his face, you could see the product of his labours. Just in case you didn’t understand the sign, Jack had placed a grate over the top of the toilet seat as well.

8. Pantanol Hostel, Brazil

Ants, beetles, mosquitos, fleas, spiders: got to get your money’s worth. If you don’t leave with a chronic bout of constipation there’s got to be something wrong with you.

7. Squat loos, Chinese trains. Especially in the country.

Moore’s not the only one who’s got a bone to pick with China’s crappers. Alas, I’ve not got a photo to prove it, but roaring through the southern Chinese countryside on a train this summer I stumbled across a gem. It was a squatter, naturally, and nothing more than a rough-edged hole through which you could see the tracks whizzing by. A sign on the door read “Beware of Nipping Hand.” Now, one could hypothesise that this likely referred to the sliding door which tended to crash shut with a vicious bang, but nonetheless it’s not something you want on your mind as you lower your privates over an open hole at 200km an hour…

6. Anywhere that there are guns and Americans.

Of course, many of us don’t ever want to be anyplace where there’s guns – or Americans, for that matter – but peeing is one of those private moments we should all enjoy in comfort and safety. Of course, if you urinate in the petrol tank of some hobo’s ute, then you’ll likely have to answer to a redneck with a shotgun…

5. China revisited.

As the genteel host of this little trip down lavatory lane enlightens us, all a man wants is a shit a day. Preferably one watched over by a potentially rabid guard dog.

4. Yes, China. You again.

This cute little number from Virtual Tourist’s World’s Worst Toilets could pass itself off as a medieval torture chamber rather than a pissoir. It starts with the “curtain of cobwebs” and ends with the pair of pigs pottering about in the vicinity, snaffling around for a snack. Gross, really.

3. India. All over.

I’m never one to write off a country in one fell swoop – I did give China four bashes at it – but I’ve got it on good authority that the world’s most god-awful shocking shitters are in India. As not more than 70% of the country’s population of close to a billion has got a working sewerage system, that means – according to my admittedly often shoddy calculations – 30% has not. Which means, a hell of a bloody lot of people just can’t flush it away. Ever wondered just how much crap that is? I thought you had, so I’m a step ahead. It’s 900 million litres of urine, to be precise, and 135 million kgs of solid waste. That’ll teach you for asking.

2. Anywhere in Ancient Greece.

No plumbing is to blame for this one. Whenever young Leonidas or Aphrodite had to plant one, they just popped outside into the street. Good chance to get to know your neighbour, and all that. In Ancient Rome though, they didn’t even bother stepping outside – it’s not an uncommon claim by historians that the aristocracy had slaves bring in silver pots in which they could relieve themselves without having to step away from the theatre…

1. Well, hope I didn’t spoil the climax, but I had to throw in at least one Top Place to Relieve Yourself. (All good bits have a twist, you know.)

Anyway – do pee in Singapore. In 2003 the BBC ran an article reporting that “Singapore is to launch a “Happy Toilet” campaign that will rate public restrooms with a five-star system similar to the one used for hotels.”

High-ranking dunnies will qualify for the prestigious Singapore Loo of the Year award. Jack Sim, the president of the Singapore Restroom Association (yes, it’s true), is quoted as saying “Where toilets are clean, people are happy and healthy”. When asked what he thought makes a good loo, Mr Sim said “It has to have a very good ambience, probably with plants and pictures”. Fair enough.